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I just got around to reading your response on joy. I think the line that resonates the most is “Part of the difficulty in accepting joy is that it has felt like the selfish choice.”

I assumed that is part of my problem, residual Catholic guilt. I was in Catholic school 14 years (pre-kindergarten to the end of high school). This definitely emphasized a dour world view focused around the “sins” of myself and the world which no longer serves me. Joy aside from finding it in pious sources like prayer wasn’t explicitly frowned on but was most certainly viewed with suspicion. “Idle hands are the devils playground” was definitely a phrase I heard.

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